kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
You Might Also Like
Dudes named Chance never had one.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??