Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”