I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job