This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?