woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
You Might Also Like
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’m sorry…what?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.