I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either