When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Wednesday
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*