google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
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ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves