There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
real
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*