Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?