If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
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Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Why I divorced her.