[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Finally! 😈