Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
You Might Also Like
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
what’s really going on