trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
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I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu