Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Hey i am sexy to you now
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.