When you pick your nose after dusting the house
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
don’t we all
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.