*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.