Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I mean…but I did
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.