I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.