Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.