Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.