Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Close call…
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.