October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Hell yeah 👍
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14