[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…