How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.