*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
How do you like your Corgi?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?