“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
You Might Also Like
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are