My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.