My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”