“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣