if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick