Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
How can I say no to this ?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
#SaturdayBears
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this