A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast