“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like