Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.