99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
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still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere