Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her