BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
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Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife