JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
peep davidson
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”