SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
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[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”