[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
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if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My dog after a walk in the woods.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.