I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.