Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
no
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya