I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
You Might Also Like
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
what
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Every work call, he judges.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..