Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.