oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.