Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
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People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me: