I just ran a .003048K
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”