Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
You Might Also Like
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Good morning, Twitter x
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.