Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar